Have you ever needed help, but for one reason or another didn’t ask for it? If you answered yes you’re in good company. It’s a bit of a paradox that, sometimes, the more we need help, the less likely we are to request it.
This may be true for several reasons. We may not want to appear to be weak or needy. In competitive professional settings, we might also worry that asking for help will make us look less competent or that we’ll lose control if someone steps in to assist.
Many times, we place a strong emphasis on self-reliance. We may not want to feel like we are in debt to someone else, so when we picture making something of ourselves, we often picture doing it all on our own.
To Paraphrase John Donne: No One Is an Island
The trouble with being your own island is that social support is a key component to building resilience and success in life and work. After all, humans are social beings, and our society was built through collaboration and helping.
Giving and receiving help is healthy, and—as with so many other things that can be good for us—our fear sometimes gets in the way of the process. Because we’re afraid of looking needy or admitting we don’t know something, we don’t reach out for help when we should. When that happens, we take on more burden than we need to. We also deprive others of opportunity.
You might think of it this way: not asking for help denies others of the chance to show they care, to share their time, and maybe put a skill that they enjoy using into play. Maybe they’d like to collaborate with you, or maybe it would simply make them feel good to help someone else.
When viewed in that light, asking for help is a sign of respect, and when we ask, rather than putting others out, we might well be pulling them up.
Even with this new philosophy fueling a resolve to ask for help, it can still sometimes be difficult to get the words out. It’s useful to know what you want to ask.
It sounds elementary, but when the moment comes, you don’t want to be caught unprepared. You might try this:
- Think of the goal or project that you need help achieving. Then break it down into actions and resources that you need to accomplish it.
- Now, with those needs in mind, be S.M.A.R.T about the way you ask:
- S – Be Specific
- M – Ask for something Meaningful and be ready to explain why it’s important
- A – Make your request Action-oriented
- R – Ask for something tangible and Real
- T – Be clear about the Timeframe for what you’re asking
Some other thoughts:
- Social experiments have demonstrated that the human species may be so hard-wired to repay others that we get a positive mood boost after helping or doing favors. So, be helpful yourself. Not only will this make you feel great, but the act of reciprocation can also establish a feel-good gratitude loop for everyone involved.
- When asking for help, don’t assume you know who can help or what they know. According to research at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, underestimating the willingness and capabilities of others to help is a common mistake when we need help. So, remember; you can’t be sure what people know or what their skills are until you ask.
